JOKE: Chuck Norris jokes

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

ok most of you have probably already heard alot of these, but if someone reads this and there is one they havent heard, and they get a chuckle out of it then it was worth it, so here goes.

-chuck norris can slam a revolving door
-it is siad chuck norris's tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
-it is siad to be a great acheivement to go down niagra falls in a wooden barrel, chuck norris can go up niagra falls in a cardboard box
-chuck norris once roundhouse kicked a horse, since then that horse has been known as the giraffe
-chuck norris is the reason waldo's missing
-chuck norris doesnt teabag people, he potato sacks 'em
-there are no doors in chuck norris's house, only walls that he walks through
-chuck norris once gave jesus a birthday gift, jesus was to afriad to correct him, so now we celebrate this event on the 25th of december
-when the bogeyman goes to bed at night he checks his closet and under his bed for chuck norris
-chuck norris is corrently sueing A&E for stealing the names of his fist's "law" and "order"
-during the winter months children like to pee there names into the snow, chuck norris can piss his name into solid concrete

if i have messed any of these up i apologize and want to be corrected.

others are welcome to list some of there own on here as well

if any one missed the punch line let me know and i can explian it to you

i will post more on here later

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

im back with more chuck norris jokes.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist
-What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
-A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
-Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
-Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
-Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
-Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
-Chuck Norris can beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
-Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

others may post there own as well 8)

Axelord58 · Joined: 25 Oct 2008 Posts: 234

Here's what I've got. Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk2vqqKndRc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5prCmRzxRp8

Drofgod969 · Joined: 08 Sep 2008 Posts: 3327

A couple of good ones there Paragon. A friend of mine has a book of joke on him, i can't rememer the number right now.

Ashton Gray · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 4661

I've heard more of these than I care to remember. I was in the later days of my World of Warcraft playing when the huge Chuck Norris joke wave hit. A friend of mine bought a book of Chuck Norris jokes not long ago. Her favorite is "If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris still has more money than you."

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

y'all want some more or should i just call it quits?

Ashton Gray · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 4661

It's your thread so it's your decision. If you want a second opinion, I say keep going.

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

very well, ashton.

-Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
-At his birthday party, Chuck Norris once ate an entire cake before his friends told him there was a stripper inside it.
-Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
-Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
-Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean(this one took me a second to catch the joke)
-Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
-In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris's first job was as a paperboy, there were no survivors
-Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
-The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
-Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
-With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
-70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
-It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

......... man i need a hobby :?

xxthalexx · Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 1159

i got a nice laugh on this thread

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

xxthalexx wrote: i got a nice laugh on this thread

i aim to please, heres some more just cuase i gott nothing else going on right now 8)

-when chuck norris does a push up he isnt pushing himself up, he's pushing the earth down.
-remeber the soviet union? they decided to call it quits after seeing a delta force marathon on sattelite television
- chuck norris's hand, is the only hand that can beat a royal flush
-chuck norris does'nt gett frostbite, chuck norris bites frost
-chuck norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
-The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'
-Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV
-When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul
-Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting
-when Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you
-Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts
-They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody
-Chuck Norris does'nt fear the reaper, instead, he considers him "a talented rookie, with alot of potential"

xxthalexx · Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 1159

got any more

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

since you asked....

http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/thumb/1/16/Chuck_norris_toilet_paper.png/402px-Chuck_norris_toilet_paper.png chuck norris's version of toilet paper.

-Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
-Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
-When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
-He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
-Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
-A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
-"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
-Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
-When Chuck Norris playes monopoly, it effects the real-world economy.
-Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
-Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
-Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
-Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
-Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
-Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Axelord58 · Joined: 25 Oct 2008 Posts: 234

I have researched for more 'Chuck Norris Facts' that haven't been posted or I didn't see here. Have fun!

-When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

-Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

-We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

-There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

-See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

-The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

-Not only does Chuck Norris know everything, he IS everything.

Ashton Gray · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 4661

I'm afraid I did'nt get the "More cowbell" joke. Can someone explain it?

JohnnyPsycho · Joined: 08 Jul 2006 Posts: 2302

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/More_cowbell

Wish I could find a video of this, but YouTube tends to delete SNL clips on their site.

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

at least i wasnt the only one who didnt get it, thank you for explianing, johnny 8)

Ashton Gray · Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Posts: 4661

Ah, thank you, Johnny.

Alax *Snowdem* · Joined: 12 May 2009 Posts: 3

i liked the jokes well done :lol:

Dogg_29 · Joined: 21 May 2009 Posts: 1

-Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry. The man ate a Fucking Jeep.
-Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
-Chuck Norris once had an erection while sleeping face down...He Struck Oil.
-Chuck Norris would have been a plague for anchient Egypt but the gods thought it was too extreme.
-Chuck Norris is the only man that can find a missing person however in the prossess many more were reported missing.
-Chuck Norris does not chew bubble gum, he chews heavy duty log chains.
-Chuck Norris was the first man on the moon. The gov't is still awaiting him to round house kick them all.
-Chuck Norris doesn't use a stunt double. The stunt doubles use Chuck Norris

Marx-Paragon · Joined: 24 Apr 2009 Posts: 998

:lol: the ones about the cherokee, and the oil were pretty funny, never heard em before either 8)

skybourne87 · Joined: 20 Jun 2009 Posts: 92

normally im not one for chuck norris jokes but this was still pretty good